Tuesday Mar. 6, 07

He can get educated on money management. And you can go back to dating without ruining the relationship. Similar to separating when you are married, it's like saying (to mature adults), something's not working, lets take a step back, evaluate, fix and then proceed. Nothing wrong in admitting that moving in was a little on the fast side. It could be difficult because sometimes men, at any age, can take that entirely the wrong way, along with your qualms on the financial side. The most important thing, and I know you would agree with this, is your children. He is setting an example for them with his actions, be them financially or career-wise. You are setting another example when you react. It may not always be in front of them, or ever in front of them, but you probably know children are incredibly astute.

As a married man, I feel I can speak to this with a fair amount of knowledge...

Although the addage says that you can't teach old dogs new tricks, I do believe that in this case you may have to force this old dog to teach himself some new tricks...or push his ass out the door for good.

It basically comes down to your self worth. Are you willing to settle for a man who does not hold up his end of the bargain simply because you believe that you"can't change him" and "can't expect him to change"? If your relationship is not equal, if he does not hold the same values as you when it comes to supporting himself and his family, and yet you decide to let it continue, then you are only selling yourself short and enabling the behavior.

I would hope that you possess a greater self-worth than that. If you love and care about your children, then set an example for them and show them how a woman should be treated and how a man should treat a woman, and what a relationship really should be by making him move out and grow up (or not)...its his choice...and if he chooses to grow up and be a man then maybe you two can have a chance together, and if he doesn't make the right choice then you know that your love is not worth as much to him as his lifestyle...and do you really want to be with someone who feels that way?

I speak from experience, although I am in my late twenties now, when I was a kid my mother who was at the time recently divoriced, had a series of live-in boyfriends who acted the same way, could not or would not hold a job, could not or would not keep up their end of the bargain by paying the bills on-time and contributing to the family both financially and emotionally. She moved my sister and I all the way to West Virginia from Connecticut to be with one such loser...fortunately, she finally wised up and took a chance, moving us hundreds of miles away from a bad situation that she had gotten herself into with a deadbeat guy (whom although she cared about greatly, she couldn't set that example for her children or sell herself short).

It is not your job to be his mommy...if his own mother screwed that job up, that's her problem...not yours. It's insulting to someone like me, who took student-loan upon student-loan in order to educate myself enough so that I could get a decent job (and I have two jobs!) to support my wife and our baby-on-the-way...because that's what my mother's wise decision to leave that man in West Virginia taught me about what a real man is supposed to do for his family and the woman he loves.

Thank you very much for your comment. I appreciate the support and the insight from someone with experience in that department. I have and am asking myself some of the exact questions you mentioned. Am I selling myself short ?? What example does this set ?? I do care for the man but my children are always and will always be my first priority. Thank you again Ill update thru the blogs in time. I too agree with Fleur that sometimes taking a step back means different things or is interpreted different my men. Oh well Life goes on. :)

Sounds heavy, but it also sounds like you know what you need to do. Hope all works out, well, it's all going to work out, but time is what will tell the story, and how it works out is anyone's guess. I just hope it works out well for you. Ciao.